Why are there no comments?

I just realized about 4 minutes ago why I don't share blogs anymore.
When sending around a blog or something I have written - hell, anything - I need people to validate my very existence.
Examples:
"You are so funny!"
"Your writing is so witty!"
"Loved that post - so smart."
"Words were invented for YOU to lay down on paper/screen for the good of our world/species."

Ok maybe not the last one.

But then nothing. Crickets.
At least, not within the 15-30secs after receiving the link/post.

The downward spiral begins:

I begin a lookout:
Is my IM flashing?
Are they at their desk?
Oh wait - is she in a meeting?

Actions:
Let me send another IM to make sure it's working. Jab at keys. Hit enter
Is email down? Send email to make sure it is working. Write nonsense. Hit send
Oh! The internet is slow it must be loading. Re-loads page.

On the inside:
Brain: You're not THAT funny.
Soul: It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Your husband thinks you're brilliant!
Hands: STOP TYPING NONESENSE. Carpal tunnel is setting in.

Glad I figured that whole thing out.

Updated to add: Please do not take this as "don't leave comments".
Please Leave Comments!

The other 25 Random Things

all over facebook people are tagging each other with a 25 random things about you.
just pick 25 things and there you have it.

of course, now that i have spent some time thinking about it i would have written 25 different things. so i am going to -

1. I will always think I need to lose 10lbs. And I will never stop trying to lose them.
2. Workout endorphins are the best thing ever. If I could just get them without the whole workout thing.
3. Doing my hair in the morning sometimes ruins the whole day
4. I love college sports but professional sports leaves something to be desired
5. If I could live with rejection, I would be a stand-up comic.
6. Cooking with my husband is not as fun as I thought it would be. But cooking for him is better than I could have ever imagined.
7. My husband makes me breakfast every single morning. When he is gone I can barely feed myself before noon.
8. Working in advertising trained me watch TV in a totally different way
9. When I have too much work to do I often play around on the internet to distract myself until I'm ready to get started.
10. I hate it when I see Latin women making asses of themselves. No need to perpetuate the stereotype ladies.
11. Grammar is important to me. It should be to you too. It should be important to the ENTIRE INTERNET.
12. I own at least 25 pairs of shoes and wear maybe 3 or 4 regularly.
13. My best friend lost 27lbs and every time I see her I secretly wish she gained some of it back.
14. I would sell all our belongings and travel the world w/ my husband in an instant
15. Xbox 360 live is the greatest thing ever when combined with Netflix
16. I wonder what the new-fangled gadget will be when I am 80 and won't bother to learn it.
17. Writing a blog used to be easy for me, now I have to really dig for material. Clearly.
18. I silently mock my clients when I am on a conference call with them.
19. The Florida State fight song will be playing in my personal hell.
20. My husband has Chron's and I worry about something happening to him constantly.
21. I think I want to have a baby this year but I am TERRIFIED to have one.
22. My parents have lived in this country well-over 30 years and still speak their native language. They taught me and I will be forever grateful.
23. Marriage is harder than most people think. But it's infinitely greater than anything you can ever imagine.
24. Sometimes I get so angry that all I can do is cry
25. I don't deal well with change. I am obstinate, difficult and generally bitchy at the time. And then I get over it and think - what the hell was wrong with me?

Dear Universe,

Hi! Just a little note to say thanks for all the good stuff you've sent to me lately - the good husband, the decent job (with benefits!), the layoff dodge, Barry O and the Lucky Brand sale.
All of it. I love it. THANK YOU!

Howevs, one small thing to discuss. All that baby stuff? You know the stroller client we are pitching, the overwhelming baby-centric storylines in my favorite shows, my friends' newborns and their pregnancies? If those could... um stop. Or not become so prominent that would be great.

No, no - don't get my wrong. I love it when my friends have gorgeous babies and good pregnancies! Please continue all the goodness there. They are happy and that's lovely.

It's just... I would prefer to not be reminded constantly of the looming biological clock. And really, you're super not-so-secret agents are totally doing their jobs. Namely in the form of my family or my in-laws. They rock their arms in my direction, do the whole wink-wink nudge-nudge thing, using cute words like bambinos (always plural). That I can handle and truthfully, expect. I am fully aware that after a year of marriage the questions come. Unless you're my uncle who gets drunk and slurs into the camera at your wedding, "Stop all that talking and go upstairs and make babies." But I digress...

Truth is Universe and Fates, I now kinda want a baby then I start making plans - Greece, beach getaways, quick romantic weekend trips, booze. I can't DO THAT with a baby. And I like those things! Alot.

So stop making babies cute. Um, newborns should NEVER be cute. They are to be cone-headed and look like little rats. Babies should be yelling and crying and drooling. I should look at them with slight disdain and exasperation, not with cooing joy and yearning.

You're awesome.
A*

The Road

Today my husband and I began our journey to my parents house. I never noticed it before but apparently he's quite deaf. Not in a hearing aid/cupping-his-ears towards-the-speaker deaf. But profoundly "concentration" deaf. As an advanced geek, he downloads podcasts about gaming: board, web, miniature - you name it, he's got it. He normally listens to them when I am out or at work. However, today we are bound together in my teeny fuel-efficient car. We exhausted conversation roughly two hours ago and are each left to our devices. Literally. My newly-acquired smartphone & iPod; his podcasts and the road.
Yeah, I'm blogging for my phone. Dedication folks, dedication.
Headphones in and Snow Patrol @ 45% I CAN STILL HEAR THE PODCASTS. Earlier I attempted to turn the volume down to just above a shriek and he quickly admonished me: Babe, I can't hear it now.
My incredulity must have shown on my face because SURELY he was joking.
He wasn't.
We are an hour away from our destination and I'm listening to words like "Euro-izing" and some sort of dreaded black sheep plague.
Internet, please remember this when you see me on trial for throwing my husband out on the highway with his MP3 player shoved up his nose and headphones in place of eardrums.

Past Tense

I used to be an awesome blogger.

1) My job gave me fodder every day.
I read and answered viewer mail @ Lifetime Television. Email, snail mail, voicemail, prison mail - you name it I read it. Disturbing doesn't even begin to cover it. The topics were varied but crazy was always present. Never mind the persistent question: Have you no other way to better pass the time?

2) I lived in the most exciting city ever.
NYC. London is next. But nothing beats NYC. Have a different opinion? Don't care. This is about me.

3) I started a new relationship with another fellow blogger.
We out-cuted each other. We talked about each other. The blogosphere knew I was getting engaged before I did. We played off each other and our ever-growing blog rolls. Being long-distance helped because surely we wouldn't blog and then stare at each other over the tops of our laptops.

Here's why I no longer am:

1) My job is crazy and not without some fodder. But since the blogosphere is about 10X the size it was 5 years ago I have to watch it. No need getting fired over a silly post. Also, see below about rock & a hard place. That's exhausting and creative sucking. I can barely go home and stare blindly at TV nevermind crafting a great post.

2) I live in Raleigh, NC. Um, pretty place, nice people. Exciting? Not so much. However, it is now officially a blue state as of yesterday. Did I mention slow? Yeah we're a bit slow.

3) I married my fellow blogger. And now he has found about 15 other creative things to do with his time. Bless him, he has such ADD. We are DINKS. And while we love it, my husband stares longingly at the ovarian spot and wishes fervently for babies. Sigh. If only he could carry them too.

I started blogging to write better. Or is it gooder?
Regardless, once I slowed so did my writing funny.

Here's my pledge: I need to do this at least 3 times a week.

So Internet- I need to do this 3X a week.
Please keep me honest oh tubes of information.

Malaise

The title of this blog used to be something like: Bleach Cocktails for Dinner. Something that has to with drinking bleach or some such nonsense. I was pretty angry and unhappy with my job. Come to think of it, that hasn't necessarily changed. But I am more in the "resigned" column than angry column. Except when I am PMSing. Then all bets are off.

The director I reference here quit recently and we hired a new guy. The jury is still out on the new guy. But I haven't felt anything soul-crushing since old douche director left so I didn't bother finishing this one out.

With the title of this little-known blog, it is not shocking that I seem to be in a constant state of unhappiness. It varies of course, some days are just fine while other's possess a soul-crushing, I-need-to-get-the-fuck-out-of-here sentiment.

Today is one of those days.

I am still reeling from the little tete-a-tete I had with my account director who continually needs to ask me if " [I] want to be here" and "why do I want to be here." Frankly why the fact that I show up, foster good relationships with my clients and work my ass off is not proof enough blows my mind. I get the distinct feeling that it is not anything I do but rather the account director doing a bit of projecting. He doesn't want me on his team; he doesn't want me here; he doesn't think I am good enough. And no, this isn't an all out whine of nobody likes me. Quite the contrary, most people I work with have no issue with me or my job performance.

Are you passionate about this business?

There's an epidemic at my workplace. Apparently a dearth of people who "are passionate about advertising." For some reason, I have been pegged as being one of the infected.
If I get asked one more time - "Do you want to be here?" "Why would you do this when you can make more money doing something else?" "Do you love advertising?" I may, in fact, throw myself in front of the bus.

Why showing up and doing your job WELL while fostering client relationships is not a clear sign of "I want to be here" I will never know. (that's a yummy sentence isn't it?)

Oh and you know what I am passionate about?
Benefits.

I am passionate about benefits. Dental, Optical and Medical really make me tick.