Really Anthropologie? REALLY?

"Cutaway booties give a wink to the ankle boot, a nod to the sandal"

Don't know about you, but if I were an ankle boot or a sandal I would not let this...this THING play in my sandbox. Gosh that came out dirtier than expected didn't it?

It's almost like "Hey I want stumpy legs! What? Anthropologie can sell me ugly shoes for too much money to help with that? SIGN ME THE EFF UP."

Or as my pal Jewel says: "Perfect for those days when you need to make daisy chains and play hopscotch. We always did need high-heeled hula hoop shoes."

Fine. I am a curmudgeon.

At 29+ I find myself, surrounded by people who are fresh-faced, 20-somethings. Life's all bright and shiny and new. The recession, unemployment or HOLY SHIT BILLS have not yet taken a giant poop on their perfectly coiffed (you spent $300 on straightening?!?!) hair. I am not saying their stupid or shallow. Just ... TWENTY-SOMETHING. Most of them work hard, stay late and overindulge without a thought to calories. I did that once. We all did.

God that irks me now. Whatever. I am an Ensure away from calling them whippersnappers and shooing them away from my azaleas.

Occasionally one girl will come into work and my immediate thought is - "PANTS!" WEAR PANTS!" Tights are not pants people. Neither are sheer leggings.

What? I am judgy. The name of the site isn't "constantly joyous."

And why do they always want to go to dinner with 15 people? Seriously.

My max for group eating out is 6. Three facing three allows for good whole-table conversation or simple break out conversations. You only have to bug one person AT MOST to get up to pee. You can split two bottles of wine comfortably without paying through the nose or getting an inch of wine for $18. Bill calculation is far easier. Plus, your server is nicer & more attentive since your bill will be larger but your party is totally manageable. Everyone wins.

Also, there's a good chance that everyone at the table of 6 gets along and generally likes each other. MAYBE you can swing that with 8. But with 15? N-O.

Case in point: the lovely 20-somethings who want to "Do a girls dinner! Friday nite!" When I was approached I thought - why not? As a washed-up wife, hanging out with single girls can be fun. Especially when you come home to your sleeping husband and think I never have to do that dating bullshit again. Don't be fooled people. Marriage is knowing you will have sex even if you haven't shaved your legs in 2 weeks.

Then I got the email of "the plan." Fifteen people on the email (a few of whom I would not choose as a dining partner) for dinner at 8 so as to "not be in da clubs so early."

Sigh.

I declined after 20 more emails went out, one of which mentioned seeing some band at a sticky bar around midnight with some sort of cover charge. Instead, I am going to see a delicious one-year old toddler and her mom for free. Because I will be in bed by midnight or at least in my Target sweats watching What Not to Wear.

Now get away from my azaleas and help me find my glasses. My stories are on.

How Jillian Michaels makes Time Warner worth it

Time Warner Cable unplugged our cable on New Year's Eve for no reason.

Have you ever spent a whole day with no Internet, no TV - just staring at your significant other?

I do not recommend it.

TWC showed up the next day (New Year's Day) and the woman just said - "You're unplugged."

Us: "why?"

TWC: "Dunno. Someone must have called to cancel their cable and they thought it was you."

This means someone walked PAST OUR WINDOWS where the TV was CLEARLY ON and unplugged our cable without: a) asking if we were the right house or b) I don't know .... CHECKING THE ADDRESS ON THEIR STUPID FORM.

Assholes.

So I called and complained, they cut our rate. Blah Blah.

Now you're thinking - no shit, cable companies suck. What does Jillian have to do with this?

WELL...

Exercise on Demand. Channel 557. FREE EXERCISE VIDEOS. FREE JILLIAN.

Jillian who will nurture you and kick your ass at the same time. Jillian = new Marshall Applewhite. She's my Heaven's Gate. Only it more like - FUCK YOU JILLIAN I CAN'T DO MOUNTAIN CLIMBERS FOR TWO MINUTES ... gate. Whatever.

Her fantastic gems* include - "There is no modification for jumping jacks people. If a 400lb fatty can do jumping jacks then you can too. COME ON."

"YOUR SHOULDERS SHOULD BE ON FIRE RIGHT NOW!"

"You want to get shredded in 20 minutes YOU HAVE TO EARN IT. JUST DO IT."

*Paraphrasing was used within these quotes.

And you whimper, wipe snot from your nose and yell back at the TV - JILLIAN I AM ABOUT TO SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST YOU SKINNY BITCH.

Or maybe it's just me.

But then the cool down comes and she tells you how great you are and how she's proud and how you should be proud. And how it will all come together hot body, clear mind and healthy soul.

And even though you can't move, are bathed in sweat and are seriously considering calling into work dead by reason of insanity tomorrow you think - I totally have to do this shit again.

See? The power of Jillian TRUMPS the shittiness of Time Warner.

Working on the couch in the middle of a football storm, I have been sitting cross-legged for roughly 3 hours. As I unfold my 29+ year-old legs, my right knee protests.

I shift, trying to keep my laptop in place without aggravating my bitch-knee and end up in a weirdo position.

The hubs mocks me and I immediately whine "Babe, my knee hurts..."

Eye-rolling response: "Fine, let me rub your boob."

Nice.

a few quick observations

I'm flying back to Fort Lauderdale through Atlanta. For some reason, travelling inspires me to blog remotely. So devoted to you Internet, I whipped out my third-rate Dash and type furiously before the weary flight attendant withers me with her laser stare.

A few things to note-
- Satan laid over in Atlanta before he made it to Hell annoyed, bag-less and at least 6 hours late. God is mean kids, don't you forget it.
-There are enough kids on this flight to render me infertile...by choice.
- When large, overly cellulited women wear short-shorts everyone feels violated.
- Handing me a cup with my credit card after purchasing fast-food leades me to assume the cup is mine, not the person's behind me. Don't be a bitch about it.
- "Have none of you EVER left your homes before?" is the one thought the plagues me no matter where I fly from.

Judgement of the Day

FB Status: "thankful for a cloudy day - makes being in the office on a Saturday tolerable"

Comment: Dido.

Is that supposed to be "ditto"? Or are we now using British singers to indicate melancholy?

Horrible Thought of the Day

Take the fucking stairs fat ass.