I'm flying back to Fort Lauderdale through Atlanta. For some reason, travelling inspires me to blog remotely. So devoted to you Internet, I whipped out my third-rate Dash and type furiously before the weary flight attendant withers me with her laser stare.
A few things to note-
- Satan laid over in Atlanta before he made it to Hell annoyed, bag-less and at least 6 hours late. God is mean kids, don't you forget it.
-There are enough kids on this flight to render me infertile...by choice.
- When large, overly cellulited women wear short-shorts everyone feels violated.
- Handing me a cup with my credit card after purchasing fast-food leades me to assume the cup is mine, not the person's behind me. Don't be a bitch about it.
- "Have none of you EVER left your homes before?" is the one thought the plagues me no matter where I fly from.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Judgement of the Day
FB Status: "thankful for a cloudy day - makes being in the office on a Saturday tolerable"
Comment: Dido.
Is that supposed to be "ditto"? Or are we now using British singers to indicate melancholy?
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Friend, Lover and Personal Geek-Squad
Heather over at Dooce did this meme. And she NEVER does memes. Only this is more of an usus (?).
Today I will talking about us - my husband and myself. Our day-to-day boring nonsense bullshit.
So get excited -
What are your middle names?
My given middle name - Irene. When we got married I dropped it and replace it with my maiden name because I hate Irene. An old family friend would screech "REEEEEEENYYYYYY" to piss me off as a child so clearly it had to go.
His middle name is Alan. His family tradition calls for the first boy and the first girl to have their parents names as middle names.
How long have you been together?
Married 2 yrs, together about 2 years. So total - 4 years. Math is fun!
How long did you know each other before you started dating?
Um. Pretty much immediately. I dazzled him at a dive bar, he messaged me the very next day.
Who asked whom out?
He asked me to fly to Vegas. Yeah VEGAS. That was our first date. He was totally into me.
How old are each of you?
I'm 30, he's OLD 36. I like to say stuff like... "I didn't even have my period when you graduated from high school" or "You know how to use the Dewey Decimal System"
Whose siblings do you see the most?
He's the oldest of 4. I'm the oldest of 2. His family is all local so clearly we see them most.
Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
Um. Like most DINKs - I would say work stress. My job fluctuates between insanely busy and insane. His used to be to steady but in these days and times, nothing is stable. But the hardest for me is his chronic disease, Chron's. It could be so much worse than it is - really. He struggles with it most when he's stressed - who isn't these days? I brace for huge fever spikes, intense pain and horrendous gas. All in all though, we keep our shit together really well.
Did you go to the same school?
No. He went to UNC - Chapel Hill. I went to University of Florida and then Florida International University.
Are you from the same home town?
Not even close. I grew up in South Florida. He grew up in upstate NY and then move to Pinehurst, NC as a teenager. Introducing him to Cuban food nearly killed him.
Who is smarter?
He is. Infinitely. Every time I hear about the financial situation on NPR I have him explain the mortgage crisis to me - AGAIN. He joined MENSA in college then dropped out because he thought paying dues to them was ridiculous. When he gets together with his childhood friend Patrick my head nearly explodes and I have to lie down due to the over-abundance of intelligence causing a total brain meltdown.
Who is the most sensitive?
Me. No question. I react to everything with my emotions.
He loves it.
Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Tasu/Shiki Sushi. We could eat it every single day only then we would be bankrupt. In second place, Los Tres our cheap Mexican place that feeds us both dinner AND lunch the next day. Throw in a few beers and our check is still under $30.
Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
London.
Who has the craziest exes?
His. Judging from the reactions I get when I suggest girls' names for our future children and stories that I have heard, most of his exes are either gay, functionally insane, bulimic, sexually repressed or committed (read as not functional, just insane).
Who has the worst temper?
Ahem - I do. Although if you push him enough to lose it, he will. However, I fly off the proverbial handle more often and with furious intensity. Then I sulk.
I never said I was a grown-up.
Who does the cooking?
He works from home and I rarely get home before 8 - you make the call. But we both love to cook. If we have people coming, I take over the main dish unless it involves the grill (it freaks me out with all the fire leaping and sparks hissing). If it does require aforementioned hissing fire, I scour recipe sites to find delicious side dishes so compliments are heaped upon me. Clearly, I do everything for validation.
Who is the neat-freak?
We each have our thing:
him - the shoes by the front door make him crazy
me - the kitchen counters, floors, oven and sink.
We both collect crap and are beholden to clutter.
For everything else - we hire cleaners.
Who is more stubborn?
He is logical-linear-reasonable stubborn. I am fuck-you-I'm-always-right-because-I-said-so stubborn. Please imagine our first child and then try to pity us.
Who hogs the bed?
HIM. I wake up with a knee lodged in my kidney more often than not.
Who wakes up earlier?
He does. Obnoxiously so. Even on weekends. He occasionally talks me awake on Sunday mornings @ 830. Literally talking to me as if I am already awake. However, he wakes me with coffee every morning - weekday or not. I would remarry him just for that.
Where was your first date?
The Paris in Las Vegas - for 3 days. For our big date-night, we went to Del Monico's for dinner and gorged ourselves. Hot.
Who is more jealous?
Neither, really. He knows no one would put up with my array of shit (I know it too). He always points out when guys check me out and I love to tease him about the women at his classes who are constantly trying to set him up.
How long did it take to get serious?
We were always serious. There was never a time in our romantic relationship when we did not think we would spend the rest of our lives together. <---- This is Heather's answer. And mine is the same. Only she wrote it better. Why change a perfectly good statement?
Please note: I kept Heather's answers here because a) they cracked me up and b) they mirror our marriage with frightening accuracy. However, I did add some answers of my own.
Who eats more?
Me, no question. I'm usually finishing off the meal on his plate. However, he is the type of person who will stop by the gas station after an hour-long workout to pick up a bag of cherry Twizzlers and a Snickers bar and will have finished both before pulling into the driveway.
The aforementioned Crohn's makes me the eater in the house. However, look inside his car you will see an array of Necco Wafer wrappers, empty soda bottles and the general flotsam & jetsam that comes from gas station/convenience store/CVS fare. He uses his door pockets to keep trash.
Who does the laundry?
Someone cannot ever remember that he is not supposed to put my sports bras in the dryer, so someone is no longer allowed to do the laundry.
I began a new program: he folds and puts away, I wash. Problem: He only puts away his stuff because "he doesn't know where my stuff goes." As if there is a magical force field around my dresser that shuns him as he approaches with freshly laundered and folded clothing.
Who's better with the computer?
You should see the veins in Jon's head bulge against his skin when he looks over and sees that it's been three months since I ran a software update.
I always break it, slow it down, mess it up. It takes less than 45 secs for him to throw me out of the den so he can right my wrongs. I am in no way shamed by this.
Who drives when you are together?
Jon, but not because he's a better driver. I lived in Los Angeles for over four years and did enough driving for a lifetime, so I'd be happy if I never had to drive again. However, he's recently started to drive more slowly, a development we may have to work through in therapy. That session would go like this: I wouldn't have to nag so much if he didn't drive like such a dumbass.
He does. My husband is a notoriously awful passenger. Shouting at me when a car/pedestrian/cyclist is within 500 feet thereby startling me so that I swerve maniacally and incur some sort of driving lecture that always ends with - "Do you want me to drive?"
When he drives, there is no other driver that can equal his prowess. He curses at them in a flurry of fucks, bastards, assholes, and pieces of shit. I assure you our unborn spawn will be gracing the principle's office as soon as he/she can speak.
NO ONE DRIVES WELL. This makes me feel better about myself when it comes to my driving. I grew up in South Florida which essentially entitles me to do roughly 300 things while driving - with driving being the least important thing on the priority list. I've dropped most of those habits over the years but it does nothing to assuage the verbal lashing I get when I drive with him in the car.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Why are there no comments?
I just realized about 4 minutes ago why I don't share blogs anymore.
When sending around a blog or something I have written - hell, anything - I need people to validate my very existence.
Examples:
"You are so funny!"
"Your writing is so witty!"
"Loved that post - so smart."
"Words were invented for YOU to lay down on paper/screen for the good of our world/species."
Ok maybe not the last one.
But then nothing. Crickets.
At least, not within the 15-30secs after receiving the link/post.
The downward spiral begins:
I begin a lookout:
Is my IM flashing?
Are they at their desk?
Oh wait - is she in a meeting?
Actions:
Let me send another IM to make sure it's working. Jab at keys. Hit enter
Is email down? Send email to make sure it is working. Write nonsense. Hit send
Oh! The internet is slow it must be loading. Re-loads page.
On the inside:
Brain: You're not THAT funny.
Soul: It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Your husband thinks you're brilliant!
Hands: STOP TYPING NONESENSE. Carpal tunnel is setting in.
Glad I figured that whole thing out.
Updated to add: Please do not take this as "don't leave comments".
Please Leave Comments!
When sending around a blog or something I have written - hell, anything - I need people to validate my very existence.
Examples:
"You are so funny!"
"Your writing is so witty!"
"Loved that post - so smart."
"Words were invented for YOU to lay down on paper/screen for the good of our world/species."
Ok maybe not the last one.
But then nothing. Crickets.
At least, not within the 15-30secs after receiving the link/post.
The downward spiral begins:
I begin a lookout:
Is my IM flashing?
Are they at their desk?
Oh wait - is she in a meeting?
Actions:
Let me send another IM to make sure it's working. Jab at keys. Hit enter
Is email down? Send email to make sure it is working. Write nonsense. Hit send
Oh! The internet is slow it must be loading. Re-loads page.
On the inside:
Brain: You're not THAT funny.
Soul: It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Your husband thinks you're brilliant!
Hands: STOP TYPING NONESENSE. Carpal tunnel is setting in.
Glad I figured that whole thing out.
Updated to add: Please do not take this as "don't leave comments".
Please Leave Comments!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
The other 25 Random Things
all over facebook people are tagging each other with a 25 random things about you.
just pick 25 things and there you have it.
of course, now that i have spent some time thinking about it i would have written 25 different things. so i am going to -
1. I will always think I need to lose 10lbs. And I will never stop trying to lose them.
2. Workout endorphins are the best thing ever. If I could just get them without the whole workout thing.
3. Doing my hair in the morning sometimes ruins the whole day
4. I love college sports but professional sports leaves something to be desired
5. If I could live with rejection, I would be a stand-up comic.
6. Cooking with my husband is not as fun as I thought it would be. But cooking for him is better than I could have ever imagined.
7. My husband makes me breakfast every single morning. When he is gone I can barely feed myself before noon.
8. Working in advertising trained me watch TV in a totally different way
9. When I have too much work to do I often play around on the internet to distract myself until I'm ready to get started.
10. I hate it when I see Latin women making asses of themselves. No need to perpetuate the stereotype ladies.
11. Grammar is important to me. It should be to you too. It should be important to the ENTIRE INTERNET.
12. I own at least 25 pairs of shoes and wear maybe 3 or 4 regularly.
13. My best friend lost 27lbs and every time I see her I secretly wish she gained some of it back.
14. I would sell all our belongings and travel the world w/ my husband in an instant
15. Xbox 360 live is the greatest thing ever when combined with Netflix
16. I wonder what the new-fangled gadget will be when I am 80 and won't bother to learn it.
17. Writing a blog used to be easy for me, now I have to really dig for material. Clearly.
18. I silently mock my clients when I am on a conference call with them.
19. The Florida State fight song will be playing in my personal hell.
20. My husband has Chron's and I worry about something happening to him constantly.
21. I think I want to have a baby this year but I am TERRIFIED to have one.
22. My parents have lived in this country well-over 30 years and still speak their native language. They taught me and I will be forever grateful.
23. Marriage is harder than most people think. But it's infinitely greater than anything you can ever imagine.
24. Sometimes I get so angry that all I can do is cry
25. I don't deal well with change. I am obstinate, difficult and generally bitchy at the time. And then I get over it and think - what the hell was wrong with me?
just pick 25 things and there you have it.
of course, now that i have spent some time thinking about it i would have written 25 different things. so i am going to -
1. I will always think I need to lose 10lbs. And I will never stop trying to lose them.
2. Workout endorphins are the best thing ever. If I could just get them without the whole workout thing.
3. Doing my hair in the morning sometimes ruins the whole day
4. I love college sports but professional sports leaves something to be desired
5. If I could live with rejection, I would be a stand-up comic.
6. Cooking with my husband is not as fun as I thought it would be. But cooking for him is better than I could have ever imagined.
7. My husband makes me breakfast every single morning. When he is gone I can barely feed myself before noon.
8. Working in advertising trained me watch TV in a totally different way
9. When I have too much work to do I often play around on the internet to distract myself until I'm ready to get started.
10. I hate it when I see Latin women making asses of themselves. No need to perpetuate the stereotype ladies.
11. Grammar is important to me. It should be to you too. It should be important to the ENTIRE INTERNET.
12. I own at least 25 pairs of shoes and wear maybe 3 or 4 regularly.
13. My best friend lost 27lbs and every time I see her I secretly wish she gained some of it back.
14. I would sell all our belongings and travel the world w/ my husband in an instant
15. Xbox 360 live is the greatest thing ever when combined with Netflix
16. I wonder what the new-fangled gadget will be when I am 80 and won't bother to learn it.
17. Writing a blog used to be easy for me, now I have to really dig for material. Clearly.
18. I silently mock my clients when I am on a conference call with them.
19. The Florida State fight song will be playing in my personal hell.
20. My husband has Chron's and I worry about something happening to him constantly.
21. I think I want to have a baby this year but I am TERRIFIED to have one.
22. My parents have lived in this country well-over 30 years and still speak their native language. They taught me and I will be forever grateful.
23. Marriage is harder than most people think. But it's infinitely greater than anything you can ever imagine.
24. Sometimes I get so angry that all I can do is cry
25. I don't deal well with change. I am obstinate, difficult and generally bitchy at the time. And then I get over it and think - what the hell was wrong with me?
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Dear Universe,
Hi! Just a little note to say thanks for all the good stuff you've sent to me lately - the good husband, the decent job (with benefits!), the layoff dodge, Barry O and the Lucky Brand sale.
All of it. I love it. THANK YOU!
Howevs, one small thing to discuss. All that baby stuff? You know the stroller client we are pitching, the overwhelming baby-centric storylines in my favorite shows, my friends' newborns and their pregnancies? If those could... um stop. Or not become so prominent that would be great.
No, no - don't get my wrong. I love it when my friends have gorgeous babies and good pregnancies! Please continue all the goodness there. They are happy and that's lovely.
It's just... I would prefer to not be reminded constantly of the looming biological clock. And really, you're super not-so-secret agents are totally doing their jobs. Namely in the form of my family or my in-laws. They rock their arms in my direction, do the whole wink-wink nudge-nudge thing, using cute words like bambinos (always plural). That I can handle and truthfully, expect. I am fully aware that after a year of marriage the questions come. Unless you're my uncle who gets drunk and slurs into the camera at your wedding, "Stop all that talking and go upstairs and make babies." But I digress...
Truth is Universe and Fates, I now kinda want a baby then I start making plans - Greece, beach getaways, quick romantic weekend trips, booze. I can't DO THAT with a baby. And I like those things! Alot.
So stop making babies cute. Um, newborns should NEVER be cute. They are to be cone-headed and look like little rats. Babies should be yelling and crying and drooling. I should look at them with slight disdain and exasperation, not with cooing joy and yearning.
You're awesome.
A*
Hi! Just a little note to say thanks for all the good stuff you've sent to me lately - the good husband, the decent job (with benefits!), the layoff dodge, Barry O and the Lucky Brand sale.
All of it. I love it. THANK YOU!
Howevs, one small thing to discuss. All that baby stuff? You know the stroller client we are pitching, the overwhelming baby-centric storylines in my favorite shows, my friends' newborns and their pregnancies? If those could... um stop. Or not become so prominent that would be great.
No, no - don't get my wrong. I love it when my friends have gorgeous babies and good pregnancies! Please continue all the goodness there. They are happy and that's lovely.
It's just... I would prefer to not be reminded constantly of the looming biological clock. And really, you're super not-so-secret agents are totally doing their jobs. Namely in the form of my family or my in-laws. They rock their arms in my direction, do the whole wink-wink nudge-nudge thing, using cute words like bambinos (always plural). That I can handle and truthfully, expect. I am fully aware that after a year of marriage the questions come. Unless you're my uncle who gets drunk and slurs into the camera at your wedding, "Stop all that talking and go upstairs and make babies." But I digress...
Truth is Universe and Fates, I now kinda want a baby then I start making plans - Greece, beach getaways, quick romantic weekend trips, booze. I can't DO THAT with a baby. And I like those things! Alot.
So stop making babies cute. Um, newborns should NEVER be cute. They are to be cone-headed and look like little rats. Babies should be yelling and crying and drooling. I should look at them with slight disdain and exasperation, not with cooing joy and yearning.
You're awesome.
A*
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)